Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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