i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
