tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
