You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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