I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
And then he peed in my hair
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