every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
