Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
