i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
