i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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