I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
