You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
