I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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