i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
