i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
