The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize