haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am naked and annoyed.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize