thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
