apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
