remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
