yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
