Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
