i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
