We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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