The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
