Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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