I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
