Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize