my sisters under your porch take her home
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
