I wish I could teleport
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Randomize
