tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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