My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
