The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
