I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
