We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
