Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
