Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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