make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
