you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
