This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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