Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
