batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
