his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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