You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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