I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
