Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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