i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
