You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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