we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
