His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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