You're my little dorito
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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