I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
And then he peed in my hair
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