I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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