addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
