Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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