before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
