just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize