you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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