I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
