Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
