"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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