someone threw a dead crab at me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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