Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
