the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
