booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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