Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I don't deserve a penis
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
