phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
