I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
