gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
