seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
