You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize